Three Lesser Known Aspects of a Successful Relationship
There’s lots of wisdom out there letting us know about the “secrets to a lasting relationship”. Whether it’s magazine articles reminding us to keep romance alive, or advice from your grandparents who have been married for 60 years about what it takes to have a happy marriage…”don’t go bed angry”, or “appreciate each other every day”…but there are some things that you don’t hear that much about that are just as important if a relationship is going to stand the test of time. I’m going to let you know about three of them in this blog. In no particular order! They are –
Having a Life of Your Own
Now I don’t mean a secret life! What I mean is not always doing everything with your partner and maintaining your own identity so the two of you don’t become overly emmeshed. Having friends who aren’t mutual friends, interests and activities that your partner may not share, or taking time for yourself to create some space, are all ways that you can differentiate. Doing this helps to keep a strong sense of yourself, which is actually really good for your relationship because the experience of moving away and joining again creates energy with your partner. Besides, it will give you something to talk about with them so you don’t have those dinners where no one has anything to say!
Detachment from Outcome
You can’t control your partner, and nor should you try to. Sometimes you can come at things from your best, most mature self, and it has no impact your partner. Maybe they are having a bad day and just not ‘havin it’ no matter what. But you’ve done what you can, and you can’t make someone else feel or act differently if that’s not where they’re at. Accepting that is detachment from outcome – do your best and let go of the rest! The couples therapist Terry Real says, if you do this, it’s a good day for you, a bad day for your partner, but a GREAT day for the relationship.
Accepting Disappointment
It’s inevitable that to some extent your partner is going to disappointment you, and you may have to accept it if you’re going to stay together. It could be smaller things like they are messier than you, or weightier things like they don’t have the same energy as they used to for intimacy because of everything that life is throwing at them. They may have a lower tolerance for risk when it comes to investing money and aren’t comfortable with buying that crypto-currency you think is such a good deal right now, and you think your financial dreams will never happen. Relationships are a constant cost-benefit analysis – is there enough good, that the ‘not so good’ can be tolerated? You can’t have it all, and that might feel disappointing at times. In general, all relationships have disappointments, but recognizing that can make the relationship stronger!
Of course, there could be things you feel you can no longer live with and at that point getting some support to work through it with your partner could be helpful. Therapy can you decide how you move forward and whether your relationship is strong enough to repair.
So there you have it, three lesser known aspects of a successful relationship. There are more, but those three are ones that I find come up frequently with the couples that I work with, and I hope you found them valuable to read about as well!
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