Two Emotions That Get a Bad Rap…and Don’t Necessarily Deserve It
There are many emotions that don’t feel good to us when we have them. Sadness, grief, anxiety, and shame are some that come to mind, and there is a sense of sympathy and understanding when people are experiencing these. However, there are some emotions that receive quite a bit less compassion, or even an idea that it’s wrong to have them, possibly none more so than resentment and jealousy.
Our society contains strong narratives about the importance of moving from resentment to forgiveness (“forgive and forget”), and jealousy is often a trait of deeply self-centered characters in stories (the Queen in Snow White, or Gollum in Lord of the Rings). Certainly, if resentment and jealousy are too strong they can be overwhelming and even become destructive to our relationships. However, like all emotions, they have an important purpose that I’ll explain here.
Resentment
Resentment reminds us that our needs are important and that we deserve to have them met. As a species, we are wired for fairness. If our ancestors weren’t given enough resources in their community, they may not have survived. That feeling of resentment would have signaled that others were taking an undue share. Resentment in our current day relationships can signal an imbalance and promote communication that brings back a healthy equilibrium. For people who feel an overarching sense of resentment and operate from that position in the world, it can be the case that this feeling is shining a light on something they didn’t receive growing up that they should have. If they are in therapy, the therapist can acknowledge that loss, and help them to move forward in their healing journey.
Jealousy
Jealousy can let us know what we value. In romantic relationships, occasional feelings of jealousy signal to our partner that they are important to us, which helps them to feel valued. The possibility that another person could capture our partner’s attention prevents us from becoming complacent and injects energy into the relationship that helps to strengthen our bond. Many of us can relate to that twinge of good feeling we get when we notice our partner is a bit jealous when we interact with someone else (as long as we aren’t crossing a boundary)! It causes us to feel wanted. There is of course a fine line with jealousy – too much and it can wreak a lot of havoc on a relationship.
In conclusion, resentment and jealousy are often frowned upon, but like all emotions, we have them for a reason as they are there to give us important information, and deserve some recognition. However, if these feelings get too big, they can make things difficult for us and the people we care about. Working through them with a therapist can be a helpful way to move through them, and lessen some of the negative impact.
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